Thursday, May 10, 2007

My Brilliant Career

Like Sybylla from “My Brilliant Career,” I’ve always thought that I belonged to the world of literature, the world of art…

When I thought of myself in the future I imagined myself writing, writing, and writing. At twelve, I used to write in longhand, in copy-books. The crisp smell of pristine paper and of freshly sharpened Koh-i-noor pencils still brings memories of awe, of something wonderful about to happen.

I saw the movie first, then read the book by Miles Franklin. It is one of my favourite books and movies.

I could and, at the same time, could not understand how Sybylla chose to reject Sam Neill. Ha, I didn’t call him Harry Beecham. For me, because it was played by Sam Neill, the character acquired a huge likeability, which absolved him of any guilt of being a man of his upbringing and times. I had a crush on him, of course, which softened only over the years and still makes my heart flutter whenever I see him on a screen. An old lover, which I am still in love with. In my mind, I was urging Sybylla to accept his clumsy proposal. My heart sank painfully when she did not. But I admired her, for she had recognized the illusory romance and had chosen the harder path. She had maintained her independence at the cost of her heart. Or maybe she had recognized her true heart and acted upon it.

I sometimes wish now that I had done the same. I find an excuse in the fact that, at the time I first saw the movie, I was very young and my head was bursting with hopes and all kind of expectations for my… brilliant life. I had big plans and elaborate steps on the staircase to their achievement. Of course I wanted it all. Not just write about exciting things but live them too. I often did it for the wrong people, for disappointing relationships on which I wasted too much time and energy.

It is considered to be an Aries’s characteristic to trustingly try again, once the hurt is forgot.

My brilliant (writing) career went bung before it even started.

But, Daniel, as long as one can still fall in love, hope is strong.

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