Tuesday, February 23, 2010

End of February Update

Dear Friends,

I wish I could tell you how much I miss being more present on your blogs and on mine. In a way, it is a vicious circle. For, if I post something and you, in your great kindness, read it and leave your comments, I suffer greatly that I cannot return the gesture as often as I wished to. Therefore, I mostly remain silent…

I’m not doing that great, but I’m not writing this to get consolation from you. No, not at all. On the contrary, I abhor pity. With the risk of offending you, I must ask you not to offer it.

I am not where I would like to be and I’m afraid that I’ll never get there, but I’d rather not think about it. Like Sherlock Holmes in “A Scandal in Bohemia”, I am “alternating from week to week between cocaine and ambition”… no, don’t get scared! Just replace “week” with “day” and “cocaine” with “despair” and you’ll know where I am. What is better, despair or cocaine? I sometimes wish I had the latter…

Like Art in “How to Be”, I am trying to answer the question that is the movie’s title and I admit I’m failing. I wish I had the luxury of being twenty years old. I wish I weren’t obsessed with the passing of time. I wish I hadn’t wasted that much time. I wish I were less intense. I wish I were content with a “normal” life. (Well, the last two are not really true.)

So, I’m writing the novel I was mentioning a while ago, and that’s the only good, brilliant, perfect, beautifully painful thing. The rest is chores, chores, and more chores, and existential questions that are mostly rhetorical. Even the writing has to be squeezed in between these mindless chores, with horrendous efforts from me and constant opposition from the “environment”. Think of the thing that you love most in this world, one without which your existence would be nothing, and – if you have one - imagine being constantly deterred from it, being constantly denied it. That is writing for me. Sounds crazy? If it does, maybe it is… Maybe a lobotomy would help…

So, forgive me if the texts I’m posting here are mostly dark. I know that’s highly unattractive, but I just can’t help it at this point. I am what I am. Thank you for reading this. And, yes, I’ll be back…

26 comments:

Charles Gramlich said...

I've heard it said that if you're not in despair while writing a novel that you're not doing it right. I don't know about the truth to that, but perhaps it might be a comfort. Luck

Nevine said...

Nothing wrong with dark texts, Vesper. And as for your novel, as long as you're writing a novel, stay thrilled. It's the chores that kill, and I know, because I have the same issue: chores, the job, the house... endless. Sometimes we have to step away from the "responsibilities" and allow ourselves some "Me" time. I know it's not quite so easy to quit on one's duties, but sometimes... I know. Good luck with working out the knots... and with the novel. And I'll be waiting for your return.

Nevine

laughingwolf said...

some wit quipped: i'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy!

sounds like a plan to me, too ;)

yeah, a lot of life is a chore... but keep writing and caring for your family, all else can wait....

Fireblossom said...

The lady says I am NOT to be consoling, and so i shall refrain. But I do care about you, Vesper, and you have my email if you would ever like to express the inexpressible, or simply vent.

Karen said...

Just nodding my head. I will tell you this, as I have gotten older, my time is more my own, so the getting older part has its advantages. I still don't feel as if I have a room of my own, but the one I have is less crowded by the world.

Please don't let blogging become a chore that pulls at you -- just know that when you do post, you have people who will read because you are a good writer.

the walking man said...

Sit Lotus in the swamp The seeds fall as the blossom blooms

Vesper said...

Charles, this sounds very good… Hmmm… In fact, it cheers me up quite a lot. Thanks! :-)

Nevine, I wrote dark but I think I had more sad in mind… Yeah, the full-time jobs, one at work, one at home, are killing me. But, as you say, lately I’ve been trying to step away more and more from “responsibilities”… It feels good. Thank you, Nevine!

Laughingwolf , yes, let’s share that bottle! And, thanks… :-) :-) :-)

Sweet Fireblossom, and I care about you very much… Thus, even these “non-consoling” words mean incredibly much to me. Thank you!

Karen, thank you! Blogging is part of writing for me, and thus not a chore… No, not at all. Blogging is my only contact, at this point, with people who share my interests in the world of arts. I would never give it up though, because of circumstances, I often have to choose between writing for the blog and writing my stories.

Mark, thank you. This is beautiful, and wise, and wonderful….

L.A. Mitchell said...

Vesper,

Your writing is not only that thing you love most in the world, but it is a gift to me every time I read your words. What a wonderful notion that it shouldn't be restricted to a poem here or a short story snippet there. A novel! Now *that's* a gift I can't wait for.

It helps for me to not look at novels as a marathon or the Great Wall of China, but that little secret piece of mental real estate I can escape to whenever and whereever. Even if I don't put words to the page each day and life gets in the way, I can still go there and be.

My best to you OX

Gerry Boyd said...

Athena was able to provide relief to Orestes by giving the Furies a place of honor. Sometimes that helps.

BernardL said...

Counting what I have and not what I don't has always worked for me. This is where I consider having the imagination of a writer as my favorite possession. I can always imagine a better day.

jason evans said...

If you want to be heard by writing here, we'll be listening.

Rick said...

Who else can you tell this to except other writers? We all live where you live now at one time another if we have any love at all for the craft. But now I must tell you- get back to work! And email me if I can help in any way.

Michelle | Bleeding Espresso said...

<3 <3 <3

Catvibe said...

My dear Vesper, I have done so much disappearing from the blogs over the last year, always on and off on and off, coming and going, we don't get paid for this and so it has to fall into the category of love and time. And blogging is only one of the many things to do, that can ultimately distract you from your true desire. A word of advice, avoid Twitter like the plague, if you think blogging causes a distraction! :-) But I can truly relate. In regards to the mood, not pity but know you are not alone, this is truly the hardest time of year to feel any happiness at all. You have to squeeze warmth from an ice cube to have it. :-) Hugs and more hugs Vesper.

Aniket said...

I wont say anything. I'll just sit around with my beer and give you some time. Good luck on that novel.

Bernita said...

No pity - just sympathy and confidence in you.

Vesper said...

L.A., what a gift your words are for me… I wouldn’t know how to thank you enough…. You are absolutely right and you’re saying it in such a wonderful way: that the story, the novel is that little secret piece of mental real estate I can escape to whenever and wherever. Indeed, it is. Thank you. xoxoxo

Gerry, thank you, a good point. I’m thinking about that… Thank you so much for stopping by!

Bernard, for me too the imagination is invaluable. When I’m not thinking about a story, many times I daydream… :-)

Thank you, Jason. I think I can feel it.

I know, Rick, and I find strength in this thought. Thank you, my friend.

Michelle, how very nice to see you here! It’s been such a long time…

Dear Cat, your hugs and your words are so welcome and so soothing… The “category of love and time” is a very troubled one because there is a lot of love (for writing, for creating) and so little time… And you are right, this is a gloomy time of the year, but there is hope… xoxoxo

Aniket, thank you! Can I sit around with you and my beer any now and then?... Just to draw my breath... :-)

Vesper said...

Bernita, a sweet thank you. This is much appreciated. xoxoxo

Aniket said...

Sure you can. As long as you bring along an extra can. :D

SzélsőFa said...

without any pity, i'm offering some cyberhugs to you, vesper.
i can totally hear you.
i've read the senteces I wish I were less intense. I wish I were content with a “normal” life. with growing concern, with totally mixed emotions, only to get relaxed by the word in brackets: (Well, the last two are not really true.)
we are making choices all the time. it's never too easy and it's always very easy.
hang on there,
cheers from a heavy hearted friend, SzF

SzélsőFa said...

and something more cheerful: yes, sure you can do it! you rock!!!

laughingwolf said...

wuffs always share, v... :D

K.Lawson Gilbert said...

Yes, you are what you are - a beautiful, wonderful, caring person! <3

Vesper said...

Aniket, because of the distance we'll have to say "Cheers!" only virtually... :-)

SzélsőFa, many cyberhugs back to you! :-) I think we're very much on the same wavelength and this makes me quite happy! :-)

I knew it, dear Laughingwolf!

Kaye, xoxoxo! :-)

Geraldine said...

I know of what you speak Vesper. It takes a LOT of work to find our space, our muse, our peace on a regular basis. It is so easy to let outside forces take hold and ruin our good works and attempts at good works, whatever form those may take. I am finally feeling grounded,ambitious and hopeful again, after a very long "drought". Things are by no means perfect here, but it's my reactions to the day to day "stuff" has changed for the better. Hang in there V, you are a special person with much to share. Never let go of that.

Hugs, G

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

I hope there is light in your life very soon. Brilliant and blazing, sometimes, and soft and warm at others... gentle in the darkness like the stars, but let there be light.